Bridgend Battler in Skittles Sacrifice

A special report from International Skittles correspondent Alun Tudor Jones

Ancient and Little

Bridgend's own World Skittles Champion, David 'Spare Balls' Carver (72) has shaken the sporting world to its very core by taking advantage of an ancient and little-known rule. Playing in the final qualifying round of this year's competition, he found himself being eliminated unless able to knock down the final three pins with his last ball.

Rule 45iv (1873) states that "the defending champion may use himself as the ball for the final throw in a qualifying round if three or more pins remain standing".

Big Stick

Having consulted with his opponent Roger 'Big Stick' Stephens, our diminutive but fully trained hero hurled himself across the alley floor, demolished the lingering objects and won himself a place in the finals, sacrificing the seat of his trousers in the process and ending prostrate.

Kidneys

David celebrated his victory by playfully pounding friends and foes alike in the kidneys. Astonishingly, this was not to everyone's liking. Complaints quickly ensued and the constabulary was summoned by local farmer Phillip 'The Crackling' Mordecai, as David's playful pats were mistakenly interpreted as vicious, premeditated attacks.

STOP PRESS

News is breaking from Police Headquarters that David's trousers are being very carefully examined by Forensic Officers.